February 2, 2019 || 9:44PM
So, here I am. Sitting on my couch with thoughts flooding about my mind. If I could paint a picture, or paint at all, I would say it’s kind of like a sailor lost at sea. Except, there’s thunder roaring, echoing amongst the crashing waves, and the rain is just downpouring onto him. The sailor is yelling out, but it’s just him on the boat. He’s trying to fix his sails and adjust as needed, but every time he gets adjusted, the storm undoes or causes another scenario of chaos.
He’s tired, but he keeps going.
I’m that sailor. I’m holding onto the boat and Jesus is my boat. I’m just being attacked and it feels like no one is alongside me anymore. I love so hard and my heart hurts for so many people that sometimes I break my own heart.
I feel stressed out.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel intimidated.
Sometimes, I even feel inadequate
And sometimes, loneliness sets it.
I get that feeling is normal to feel sometimes, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. I know the Lord is near to the broken-hearted (Ps. 34:18) and we were fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:4). Trust me, it’s taken quite some time to acknowledge that.
But, I trust in HIM, you know? My walk with God has never been any stronger and it’s only going to get better from here. Most people tell me my independence scares them – often intimidating. Most also tell me I’m fearless and I’m strong. Honestly, I don’t always feel that way. Sometimes? I AM scared. Sometimes? I DO need help. Sometimes? I AM weak. But no matter WHAT God ALWAYS provided for me and still does. ALWAYS.
Had a bad night? God shows up in a friend I haven’t talked to in, what seems like, FOREVER.
Am I in a financially tough spot? God showed up by bringing someone to buy me food; whether it be lunch, dinner, or even someone offering their leftovers to me.
What about the days I feel inadequate? God ALWAYS shows up with people complimenting how much my walk with God has positively changed me, how proud they are of me, or someone telling me I’m easy to talk too.
And I know I’m not alone, because God has brought AMAZING people into my life to help support me.
Holding onto HIS promises is what has kept me pieced together. He is a HUGE deal to me – especially that HE died for US on that cross. I know that I fail Him daily, but He STILL chooses me (Matt. 18:12-14).
Trust me, this is scary – being totally vulnerable. But, what am I gaining by keeping it to myself? God has incredibly transformed my life. I know there are SO many of us trying SO hard and we feel like we’re “lost at sea”. Fun Fact: We have a GREAT God and He sees us. He hears us. Keep walking through this process and keep holding onto His promises, because “the pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming.” (Rom. 8:18)
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose” -Romans 8:28