I wanted pancakes.
I had spent from the moment I woke up, until now with Jesus. Something I had never done before (at least not this intense). I only left my room to use the restroom, fill up my water bottle, eat two chocolate bars, and eat my leftover chicken and broccoli.
I love Jesus.
I’ve fasted. I’ve been by myself and spent time praying to Him and singing to Him for four days straight. But today was different. Today, minus an hour phone conversation, I spent it all with Jesus.
Naturally, I’m a night owl, so it’s no surprise to me I’m not tired. Back home by this time I would want to venture out more than normal and I would go for a late night drive, go swing on the swings, lie in the grass somewhere and stare at the stars, go for a walk, grab a friend and go for a milkshake or something. I would breathe in the night air, because in Arizona it’s dry so it is more “relaxing” at night than during the day.
In daylight, I would find places to hike and take in the view from “higher places”. I would sit in complete silence and hear the birds talk amongst themselves and there would (sometimes) be a steady breeze – in the mountains especially. Yes, Arizona is a desert, but there are several beauty aspects. For example, the sunsets. I have never seen a sunset like the ones I used to watch in Arizona. And sunsets are only one example among many.
Anyway, I spent today with me and Jesus. Thanking Him for this season I’m in. Pondering over the last few weeks of Jesus School and the people I am surrounded by. The person I am becoming. Late night walks with sisters in Christ on the beach. Today has been fulfilling, but I was beginning to feel crammed in my room so I decided to walk outside. I calmly walked toward the door, opened it, walked outside toward the end of the driveway and I stood there. I looked up. I breathed in. And I cried.
I cried, because I wanted to grab some pancakes with a friend, because that’s what I used to do all the time.
I cried, because I hadn’t been able to simply look up at the night sky and just breathe in awhile.
I cried, because I couldn’t do what I was desiring to do in that moment.
I cried, because I never thought I would be in this position – this uncomfortable position.
I cried, because my heart yearns for all these things, but if I am being completely honest, I want Jesus more.
And if He isn’t in it, then I absolutely don’t want it.
Then I was reminded of a word I received this summer when I moved to Florida, in short: I was going to get to a point where I was going to miss home and even speaking to my loved ones wouldn’t satisfy that feeling, because it is different talking to people when you know they’re right around the corner versus thousands of miles away. So I needed to go to the altar, no matter where I am, and seek Jesus.
Many of you might suggest I am complaining and that I need to be grateful. I couldn’t agree more, but here’s my point, I wasn’t crying because I am unhappy. I was crying, because how could an ALMIGHTY GOD deem me fit to move cross country and be in this beautiful season with Him when I kept screwing up? It would be so easy to just move back home and go do these things, but, I love Jesus more. And I am finally getting to a point, where my carnal mind is disappearing before my eyes, because “what I used to do” is no longer who I am and it is not part of my identity. And I wish I could say that what I am feeling right now is bliss and me running in a beautiful field full of daisies, but it’s not. What I am experiencing is messy and beautiful in its entirety, but it’s okay. It is the ABSOLUTE best place to be, because I prayed for this.
“You prayed for your life to be messy? How is that possible with Jesus?”
Simple. You experience “life” and the enemy changes your DNA. So, when we seek NOTHING BUT JESUS, He has to make clean what the enemy intended for infection. And I was tired of being “messy” with life, so I prayed to be “messy” with Jesus, because He is my Comforter. He is my Rock. He is my Healer. My Husband.
And that’s the message. I am no longer remaining who I am, but rather becoming who He intended me to be.
Sunsets are beautiful.
Mountains are beautiful.
Hikes are beautiful.
Drives are beautiful.
Florida is beautiful.
Milkshakes are beautiful.
But nothing, and I mean nothing, is more beautiful than Jesus. There is an honor and gratitude I cannot shake being here. In Jeremiah 1:5, the Lord said: “Before, I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” And Ephesians 1:4 states: “just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love.”
So, that means, He knew and knows everything. I have messed up so many times. I grew up in a traumatic, chaotic, and violent home. Yet, He chose me to be here in Florida to attend Jesus School. He knew I would make all those mistakes and He still said, “Follow Me”. A Man who knew no sin and took punishment for My sake asked me to pick up my rap sheet and go. He pursued me and still does.
Just like you. He pursues you everyday.
And He won’t stop until He has you in His arms.
Jesus is Love. Trust Him. Because for years, love was my enemy and now love is my favorite person in the entire world. I’ve never been able to talk or cling to someone the way I do Jesus. And I am so thankful that I can cling to Him for eternity. Don’t try to tell yourself you have it all put together or you can do it on your own I promise you, it’s a lie. I’ve tried it. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6) — Choose life. ❤