October 24, 2019 9:27 PM
So, I have tomorrow (Friday) off. And I’m not supposed too. There was a misunderstanding in my availability, but nonetheless, I just don’t work tomorrow. And normally, I’d freak out, because I’m only working Fridays, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings – cause’ Florida’s expensive. But I didn’t freak out. I just had this “Oh well. There’s a reason I don’t work mindset.”
I just had peace. Which is not usually like me when it comes to finances.
“Be still, and know that I am God;” -Psalm 46:10
Well, come to find out, I have several chapters to read for the bible reading plan we’re doing in school, plus I have my book to read, and my book report to do. And I have not really stewarded my note taking for our sessions and reread them. Guilty. I do a great job at being diligent with my schooling, stewarding, and note taking, but there’s always room for improvement. Any who, this extra day will help me since I have a full day off tomorrow. I’m not looking at it as a “homework day”. But rather, a “Me and Jesus” day. I grew up hating school. But I am so in love with this school, I mean, it’s Jesus School. C’mon, how much more amazing can that get?
However, as you are reading, I’m writing this blog post instead. “So, shouldn’t you be working on your homework?” Yeah, probably. I should probably be reading my book and trying to finish that to finish my report. Or maybe reading my bible and possibly getting ahead or current. Yeah, I probably should. (By the way, I am NOT normally this distracted.) BUT, instead, I was watching videos on Facebook that made me bawl like a baby. For example, watching baby’s reactions when they hear their parents for the first time, surprise pregnancy announcements, surprised military homecomings, etc. In the midst of my crying, I spontaneously said, “Jesus, I want babies. I want a family. I want kids.”
And I stopped and smiled so big.
What’s the point Chelsea? Here’s the point: Jesus.
I am 23 years old, and:
2 ½ years ago, I couldn’t stand my mother. Now she’s my best friend.
2 ½ years ago, I hated everybody. Now I love everybody.
3 years ago, I hated being touched. Now I can’t stop hugging everyone.
2 ½ years ago, I hated everything about myself. Now I see myself with HIS eyes – to die for.
2 years ago, I was suffering with mental illness, self-harm, along with suicidal thoughts. Now I see the “hope and a future” ahead of me. (Jer. 29:11).
4 years ago, I graduated high school and in those 4 years, I did anything and everything to avoid being home, because I hated being home. Now I just want to be home to be with Him 25/8.
For 19 years, I grew up in a chaotic home. So I never wanted to be married or have kids. Now here I am watching Facebook videos and bawling my eyes out over babies and telling Jesus I want that.
“Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness.” (Isaiah 43:19)
For 23 years, I had this thought process of never being good enough. And just as recently as last week, I was completely delivered accepting FULLY that I am surrounded by Jesus Freaks that love Jesus as much as I do if not more (all mostly around my age too) – Oh and they love me like family. Along with AMAZING leaders in the ministry. There’s such an honor and gratitude I can’t shake being here. I can’t even put into words how mesmerized and in awe I am. I grew up never feeling good enough. Fearful of messing up. Just plain fearful, so out of all that bitterness, anger, and just straight pain I used sarcasm and hate to fend off people. But then got sad when they left.
Do you see what I am saying here? JESUS. IS. THE. ONLY. REASON. I tried to fix things on my own and I COULDN’T do it! Only by depending on HIM am I free and still becoming free every day.
I drove 2300 miles away from my hometown not to just “get away”, but to go into the wilderness with Him. To be with HIM! Because JESUS, is why my cheeks hurt all the time. JESUS is why I love to love love. JESUS is why I am surrounded by AMAZING men and women of God who encourage and uplift one another. JESUS is why I know what REAL love and family looks like. JESUS is why I have my mom to fully depend on. JESUS is why I have freedom. JESUS is why I am so open, because He has and is currently using what the enemy tried to use for my destruction, for HIS glory.
“No weapon formed against you shall prosper.” (Isaiah 54:17)
So, instead of doing homework, I was watching Facebook videos. Now I’m praising and thanking Jesus for a life I never in my life thought I would have, because before Him I was thinking of discontinuing it.
Praise be to God, because He’s a chain breaker. A way maker. A miracle worker. A promise keeper. Our Bridegroom. Who’s word return without void. Our Father. The true vine. The bread and wine. Living water. New life.
He’s everything. We can’t, but HE can.