6/9/2020 || 8:51AM
This morning I was praying over my breakfast and thanking God for my life. With a big grin and and even greater smile I said, “Thank you that I get to say ‘I love Chelsea'”. Then I paused and said, “and that You love her too.” And I stopped. And I cried. Like, ugly cry. Because for the first time in 24 years I actually meant it.
I read and heard many testimonies where people had encounters where they actually said their words started to mean something and I desired that so bad after a life of being completely disconnected from being a human being. Growing up in a lifestyle where multiple kinds of abuse were present, you start to protect yourself and turn into a robot, because connection was unbearable and not authentic enough for anyone to care about it–at least that’s all I saw.
This whole year, especially, was hard for me, because I was hyper-aware of how non-kingdom I was in my heart and I so desired to connect with that and with people, but I had a problem–I didn’t know how. So, instead I tried to alter and change everything about who I was, because I didn’t know who Chelsea was, but I didn’t fully like her so it must’ve been wrong. I knew the Lord searches our hearts, but I was confronted with so many things all at once and I perceived myself as this awful person, because I got to see first hand everything I shoved away to try to “fit in”.
But here was the lie in all of this:
•••that everything bad and ugly that came up, was for me to fix so Jesus could love me better. And everytime a new thing came up, He was disappointed in me•••
I know the word says to bring the darkness into light (because we are children of light), so I told my close friends pretty much every lie I either believed or the enemy tried to get me to believe. And I thought I was doing it right and the thoughts would go away, but this still wasn’t “easy”.
And that was my problem, I wanted easy. Living a life for Jesus isn’t easy, it’s absolutely one of the hardest things of my life. BUT, the best decision I ever made was giving Him my yes, because now:
•I don’t suffer from depression
•I don’t want to commit suicide anymore
•I’m not a slave to pornography anymore
•My identity is in Him, not alcohol or boys
•I don’t hate people
•Anxiety doesn’t drive my decision making
•I’m beginning to speak life from my heart, because my heart’s plugged in to HIM.
The ONLY reason, I got to this point, was by diligently seeking Jesus. Something I heard often, but I’ll be honest, I doubted if I’d ever see the fruition of it and even doubted if I was “doing it right”.
Because that’s what self-protection does. But Jesus doesn’t treat us like a pyramid scheme.
After repeatedly and constantly meditating on the word, repeating scripture over myself and in general (because we need to know the word), being still before Him, choosing Him and His promises, IN FAITH that everything I’ve heard would make the difference, I can honestly say my heart feels joy. Catch that? My heart feels. You HAVE to cling to His promises. You HAVE to cling to HIM.
Brother Yun said that the things we see are not our reality. The word says we are citizens of Heaven, so I had to choose. Would I choose life and believe in faith Jesus really saved me? Or would I go back to what was comfortable and easy? Jesus will not override our will although I prayed often He would, because my willpower felt too strong–but not too strong for Him. Jesus has held my hand this whole year and He’s been near me my whole life even when I didn’t choose Him over and over and over again. He never closed His heart from me. He never left nor forsook me.
2 years ago I thought I’d die from the amount of torment I was facing mentally, but here I am today still pushing through as best as He’s taught me because He’s a GOOD FATHER and I get to lean on Him wherever I go. And Father’s don’t abandon their children. He is the Great Shepherd, because we’re His sheep…
So, as raw and wide open as I feel right now, I pray that this helps you understand that Jesus has to be everything. I tried analyzing. I thought I had to fight it, but the Holy Spirit told me, “it’s me and you against analyzing, not you against analyzing. I’m not sitting back watching.”
The word says “If you seek Me diligently, you will find Me.” And when You find Him, He reveals beautiful things. We can make it so complicated, but He’s more simple than we realize.
He is for YOU. He’s not your enemy. Let Him comfort you through ALL aspects of your life. I promise you there’s no better thrill than His love.💕💕
6/9/2020 || 8:51AM